Friday, May 6, 2011

This time of the year always gets me......BUT

So, its another mothers day without my Mom. No she didnt pass away, yes she knows how to get ahold of me, and she even knows that I want her in my life, but sadly she still hangs on to her marriage to the man that abused me in my childhood. Im not posting to get sympathy, or to retell a story that can be found on the "My Testimony" page, but I do want to give some encouragement to someone, even if it is just myself. It always feels better to write, thats why people do it. Almost as a therapy of sorts, when we pen out our emotions then we become free to accept them, to feel them in full. That being said, I do miss my mom. I miss her dearly.
I ask myself the same questions this time of year. Why would she do that to me? Did she ever really love me? If I know such complete and perfect love for my own daughter, is her conception of love somehow flawed? I just have so many questions that will never be answered, and I realize this. This time of years, mothers day weekend when the tv is full of stories of mothers love, sacrifice, and undying devotion to their children really hurt me. Ive never had that.
BUT I have something better. I know what its like to be a good mom. To be the mother that sacrifices my own wants and needs to protect my child. I could very well have a relationship with my birth mother today, but I would in turn be risking my own relationship and wellbeing of my own daughter by putting her in the path of the man that took away my own innocence and childhood. In a way, it is a bittersweet feeling to know that in becoming a mother, in fullfilling that role that God saw me fit to have, that I had to leave my own relationship with my mother behind.
A great comfort I have this year that Ive never had before is first and foremost the holy spirit living in me. The Lord says he will dwell within us. He also says he is our rock, our comfort, our friend. I will lean on him more and more as Sunday approaches. Another relief to my sadness is the own love I feel from my daughter,the baby growing inside me, and the fact that I know I am protecting my children in all I do. There is no greater sacrifice then being a mother and I am living proof to that but I wouldn't change it for the world. God Bless

2 comments:

  1. My husband and I just read your testimony. POWERFUL! I pray you have a fulfilling mothers day full of LOVE :) Your daughter will never be able to thank you enough for being a real mother to her

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  2. Everyday I have the privilege of seeing how great of a mother you are. Lillian and I are extremly blessed to have you here to build us both into stronger, more loving and humble people. I have no doubt in my heart that when our child is delivered into this world that you will be there to mold him/ or her into a wonderful child of GOD. I just want to say thank you and I Love you very much for just being you a Beautiful wonderful MOTHER...... Happy Mothers Day my LOVE.........DRE*

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