Saturday, March 19, 2011

I'd still rather BE a mom then HAVE a mom

Today, I miss my mom. Yesterday, I missed my mom. I am sure tomorrow I will miss her. Tomorrow is Sunday and once again I'm sure I will make my way to an alter and pray fervently for her to return to my life, because I know that only Jesus can work out that many details in an otherwise impossible situation.
I don't usually try to write too much up close and personal blog posts, as I really enjoy focusing on my faith and sharing it with others. But, Today I miss my Mom. Most of you are probably sitting there reading this and thinking "If her Mom is alive then why doesn't she get over whatever it is keeping her from seeing her and make up?" Right? Well I only wish it was as simple as that. Let me see if I can help you understand and maybe by sharing I will also feel a bit better.
Its no secret that I was sexually abused as a child. This is the one thing that kept me from coming to the Lord for so long. The hurt, anger, and betrayal that I carried around daily I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I think that I could have dealt with the abuse itself, moved on, and made peace with my life alot sooner, had it not been for my mothers part in it also. See, it was her husband that abused me. Coming into my room every night and doing things that no 5th grader should ever even know about. This continued for years, about 4 to be exact. My mom was always home, always just sleeping in the other room. Why didn't I call out to her? I used to ask myself that every single night while my abuser was in my room, but for some unknown reason my voice just would not work. The words never came.
Years went by and one night she told me that her husband was on his way home(he was an over the road truck driver) I remember sitting in my room, being so upset and asking God what I was supposed to do. I hit my knees and cried to the Lord for the strength to tell my Mom. He gave it to me and I walked to the den and told her.
She didn't believe me. She said that I was just saying that because I didn't like him. Well, of course I didn't like him, he had stolen my innocence and my childhood away from me! The woman that was supposed to always have my back,  never leave me, always support and love me flat out told me that I was a liar. On top of that she informed me that if I told anyone else I would go to jail because I couldn't "make up lies like that about people".
The years went on and I in fact didn't tell anyone else. I told a girl friend of mine in school later on, and come to find out, her own father had done the same thing to her. She was a source of great strength. I started having flashbacks of my abuse when I was 17. I saw a councillor and began taking antidepressants. I became severely depressed. I ended up having to talk to my Dad about my problem and he believed me instantly, even called the cops. Of course there was the lovely "statute of limitations" back then and nothing ever come of it. But I couldn't help wondering if something would have if I had only not listened to my Mom and instead trusted in my Dad with what had happened to me.
Through the years my Mom and I stayed relatively close, and I still had to put up with her husband being around. I would never go out of my way to speak to him, but he was there and I just had to deal with it in order to have my Mom in my life.
I became pregnant in 2007 and the first thing I thought was "God don't let the baby be a girl!" But God in fact picked me to have a little princess and for that I will forever be blessed. Throughout my pregnancy I knew at some point in my daughters life that I would lose my mother. Whether it was the first time she wanted her to stay the night. Or maybe it would just be her wanting to take my daughter shopping, but I knew if he was around her then there was no way I would leave her alone. I also knew I would have to explain this and that my mom would be upset. What I didn't know is how soon that would happen.
Three days after I gave birth to Lillian, my mother brought him with her to the hospital. I left the room for 10 minutes and left my baby in my mothers arms with her in the rocking chair. She even said to me "Go ahead and get out of the room for a minute Ill be the first to babysit her". I trusted her. And that is a decision that will haunt me forever.
I came back and my abuser was holding her. I couldn't breathe. My Dad walked in right behind me, saw the man that had abused his daughter holding his new granddaughter and LOST it. This was a huge mess and is pretty irrelevant to the story, but it did have a big impact on my emotions. I avoided all phone calls and visits the rest of my hospital stay.
We brought her home and my joy was mixed with sorrow. I knew I would have to confront my mother about this and that I would have to take my stand in order to protect my daughter. She called me and I had to answer. She told me that she would not be in my life, or my daughters life until "you tell everyone that you were lying. You know that you weren't sexually abused and you need to tell people that". I told her "I spent years of my life working up the courage to tell someone other than you that I was abused, and I will NEVER say it didn't happen"
That was 3 years ago.
So when I say I miss my mom. I really do. I love my mom. But God gave me a special responsibility to protect the angel that he blessed me with. I will forever do everything in my power to keep her safe and out of danger. Just like any good mother would. It is an overpowering desire to always keep my daughter good, healthy, and safe. Above all else I want Lillian to know just how precious she is and how loved. One day she will. Someday I will have to tell her this story I just told you,  and it's my hope that she sees my desire to BE a mom has always outweighed my want to HAVE a mom.

1 comments:

  1. You are a good mother Tara, don't question yourself. I'm sure that your daughter will understand as she gets older. It pains me to think of you having to tell her your story and explain how her biological grandmother wrote herself out of your lives, but God is great and He is a God of the impossible. Keep praying.. you never know what He will do for you. It may yet be possible for you to HAVE a mom and BE the best mother to your daughter.

    Love & Blessings

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